MM here…

Holy God did this suck.

Kegger was just going to delete the bullet from the list to hide her shame, but I decided it was important for any aspiring chefs to understand that not every recipe works out perfectly.

This one did not work out perfectly.

Here’s what happened:

• There was definitely some kind of pork involved. It was a pretty giant block of it
• We had to cut some carrots down to maybe half -inch square, and three inches long
• She was supposed to create multiple holes in the pork slab into which she would jam the carrots
• She started by using some wooden skewers, but this was a total no-go
• She swapped over to using the knife-sharpener, at which point I entered the kitchen and discovered her hunched over the giant mound of pork, viciously penetrating it with said sharpener
  • Imagine surprising a bear that had been sorting through your trashcan. She was simultaneously startled, slightly ashamed, and very angry.
• I asked if she’d washed the sharpener first, because surely there were tiny flakes of metal all over
  • Now imagine you ask the bear if they ate the drunk pork thing you threw out, because it wasn’t very good and potentially also dangerous. She was now slightly concerned, but mostly irritated at being questioned.
• She managed to get the carrots stuffed into the pork
• A lot of other things happened next. There was wine involved, which she opened because I wasn’t allowed back in the kitchen. Important note for anyone cooking with wine: Confirm that it is good first.
• Foreshadowing note: The wine was BAD.
• I think she did more, but I felt left out with the whole wine thing, so I went and got my own. I was thus entertained until it was time for dinner.

To the review!

• I have no idea why we went to the trouble with the carrots, because they didn’t taste like anything, and the pork was still dry and tasteless.
• The wine sauce was no good. Maybe because the wine was outright bad. Like, don’t even smell it, just pour it down the drain.
• I feel like there was a side, but I needed a lot of wine to get through the pork.

In closing, remember: It’s important to keep experimenting, trying new things, and understanding that they might not always work out. Like this one. Which was terrible.